Its been a while since our last appointment so I haven’t had anything to update on really. However, we had our ultrasound appointment with our Fertility consultant yesterday. While we were there he briefly went over my results that have come back so far from all our testing.

Before I begin I just want to point out how strange it sounds. I know it sounds weird and I feel so stupid saying this and feeling like this but I will explain just hang with me.

As our appointment got closer the more nervous I got but I was set on taking Baby bear with us like we always do. We had no need to find childcare it was just a scan and chat with our consultant. I’m normally fine, a little nervous but nothing like this time. Tuesday night (our appointment was Wednesday) I sat in the bath crying from nerves so I decided we couldn’t take Baby bear with us I didn’t want him seeing me so upset or worrying him as his so good with hospitals and doctors. I am so lucky to have an amazing best friend in my life because she came to my rescue and watched him for me while we went. (Thank you, V your amazing x).

baby bear playing while we was at the ultrasound.
Baby bear at V’s house playing while we was at the Ultrasound.

Baby bear left about an hour before we had to leave for the hospital but in that hour I managed to cry 3 times. I didn’t want what happened to happen. It has been my worse fear through this whole process so far. I couldn’t hold it together. Standing in the corridor outside the ultrasound room I cried as soon as the nurse asked if I was okay. Come on girl get it together…

I just couldn’t, I felt physically sick from nerves, I just had this gut feeling we weren’t going to be told what we wanted to hear. I don’t think it was just the news I was dreading. Every ultrasound we have had here has been for a miscarriage. It may seem really silly to some but all I want is to see a healthy happy baby in my womb so to go and see an empty womb again breaks my heart. I just want my baby.

Before he started scanning me he briefly went over my blood results that have come in. This is where I sound crazy… but all my blood work has come back normal other than my clotting which we knew was an issue. I already take a baby aspirin a day from 6DPO to try and help but we will now be taking that and having blood thinner injections to see if that will help. My genetics also look completely normal so my consultant doesn’t think that is the issue. This is my worst nightmare. If everything is normal it means there is no reason for us losing our sweet babies. There’s nothing we can fix or change to ensure we get our baby here safe. This means it could happen again, we could fall pregnant get excited our family is growing for it to end with another loss.

We then started my ultrasound, and there it was an empty womb. A baby-less picture. Our consultant is amazing and talked us through what he could see. I have been getting some pain on my right side since I ovulated so he explained that was the side I had ovulated on and it had lead to a sack of blood forming in my uterus which was normal for some women to do. He said it wouldn’t affect pregnancy and its nothing to worry about which was reassuring a little.

I’ve done my fair share of research which I think most TTCers do… I can’t be the only one to sit googling tips&tricks, about ovulation, egg quality and all the rest of it. I’m not crazy I promise (well I don’t think I am). So when we were scanning my ovaries even though he didn’t say anything about my follicles. I laid there counting them and looking at their sizing so I could come home and double check my research results to confirm I had a good amount and all of a good size and shape on both sides.

So moving forward I have 2 more blood forms to get done for more testing and wait for Daddy bears genetic results to come back. We also need to see what is said at my genetic appointment (to run more tests for my Hypermobility). Then we will have another appointment with my consultant to see what them results were and to go through everything properly. However, if I fall pregnant in the mean time he will put me on the blood thinning injections to see if that helps me carry a healthy pregnancy without another loss.

I must admit I feel a little deflated after this appointment, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. We had started “trying” again this month after taking the last few months off and I was so excited to get pregnant. I felt so positive but honestly, after that appointment the fear has come back. I’m scared to fall pregnant again. I’m scared to get our hopes up and get excited to be heartbroken again. But at the same time, this is what I want more than anything. I want a baby in my arms, I want Baby bear to be a big brother to a living baby, I want to watch my belly grow again, I want it all.

I’m struggling. I see my friends having babies at the same time we should have been. I see their newborns, or them preparing for their new arrival and while I am so happy and excited for them. I’m also broken and a little jealous and I know these are normal feelings but it’s shit (sorry mum) I would never wish what we have gone through on anyone but at the same time don’t we deserve that happiness too? Surely, it’s my turn now…