If you have been following our infertility journey and follow me on Instagram you would know I had our ultrasound on Friday as part of our latest fertility clinic testing. I have had so many ultrasounds done now this was defiantly my hardest one yet. Ultrasounds never bothered me until I was pregnant with Baby bear then, of course, they become such an exciting thing. We couldn’t wait for our next scan to see how well Baby bear was growing, so when we started falling pregnant again that excitement was still very much there. However, since we have had to have a scan with our losses to check my body was passing everything it needed to, I started to hate even the thought of having an ultrasound done. Nothing good ever come out of the scans and I think I got so used to t always being bad news that’s what I expect now, but as much as I hated them I could handle it.

Our last ultrasound was when I was having my ectopic pregnancy and the last scan I had we found out my uterus and pelvis was filling with blood as my tube had ruptured. I was rushed down to surgery where not only did they took my baby (yes I know I couldn’t have kept them but that doesn’t make it any easier knowing they were physically taken from me) but they also took my tube. I honestly didn’t think it would have affected me the way it apparently has as, as soon as our new fertility doctor said about having another ultrasound to check everything was okay with my ovaries and remaining tube I had a pit in my stomach. Then I received the appointment in the post which made me so nervous I was nauseous. So when I couldn’t sleep the night before my appointment I kind of expected it and just tried to ignore it. But when I woke up Friday I started to experience nerves and anxiety-like I’ve never known. This part may be TMI but its honest – I felt sick to the point I dry heaved in the bathroom, I nervous pooped 3 times in an hour and I felt like I was a nervous wreck. Every time Daddy bear gave me a hug I cried I’ve never been like that before an appointment.

I drove to the hospital with a friend and if I’m being honest I have no idea how I was able to drive. As soon as I parked the car at the hospital I was shaking so bad it hurt my ribs, I couldn’t control it. My legs felt so weak and to top it all off I had to go in and attend the appointment completely on my own (this is why a friend come with me as Daddy bear had work and couldn’t handle waiting in the car for me and the results). As soon as I checked in I had to fight to hold back the tears, then when we went into the ultrasound room I couldn’t hold it back but I was okay. However, as soon as they said we needed to do an internal ultrasound done to be able to see a full picture I lost it. I started just freaking out and ended up having a 10-minute full panic attack. I have never experienced this ever and I wish I never go through it again.

Anyway, once 2 amazing nurses calmed me down we did the ultrasound to find that everything looked normal. The ultrasound lady said she can’t say 100% for sure everything is normal and fine but of what she could see it was fine. As always this is bittersweet because as much as I’m glad there was nothing worrying on the ultrasound but it just means all our questions still have no answers which sucks.

I know we will get there, with or without all the answers. It’s just the journey is hard and sucks.