I just want to start off by apologising for going MIA that last couple of weeks, I’ve just needed time to process everything that’s been going on. I’ve been giving little updates here and there over on my Instagram about our PUL pregnancy. The last update I gave was just after we got back from our horrible visit to Essex and we was waiting to go back to our fertility doctor for a follow up appointment.

We went back to our doctor last Wednesday for our follow up BHCG and scan. I ended up going on my own as Daddy bear was busy at work and couldn’t get the day off. So after dropping Baby bear off at nursery I headed over the hospital for my blood draw then my scan. Normally, after my bloods we wait 2 hours for my results to come back before we scan but my doctor decided he wanted to scan me no matter my results so to save the dreaded 2 hour wait, they scanned me after an hour once the sonographer was ready to start scanning. We didn’t have the scan review from when I was in Essex so it was like starting from the beginning.

blood forms for ectopic pregnancy.
Blood forms.

I was 6+4 weeks pregnant so the nurse explained that at this point in my pregnancy we should be able to see something at this point. She explained that we probably wouldn’t see a baby as we wasn’t able to see any sign of the pregnancy on my scan in Essex the week before but if the pregnancy was growing in my Uterus and was viable we should see signs of the pregnancy on the scan. I’m not going to lie this broke my heart hearing her explain it to me, we had a scan at 6+1 with Baby bear and we saw a sack, baby and heartbeat. It broke my heart knowing what we should be seeing at this point.

As soon as they started the scan I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. We couldn’t see anything, no sack, no baby, nothing. However, they did find fluid in and around my Uterus and pelvis, I was told that is wasn’t alot but because of all my other symptoms and what was going on it was a concerning find. Once we had finished my nurse took me back round to the normal room to look at my BHCG levels and to discuss what our plan was from here. My numbers should have been around the 500 mark if the pregnancy was growing like it was meant to but they were only at 330. Even though this was my biggest jump I’ve had it wasn’t enough, so the nurse explained that it wasn’t looking like a viable pregnancy but a PUL (Pregnancy Unknown Location). My doctor wanted another BHCG draw in Friday so we could get a better picture of what my levels were doing. They explained we wouldn’t know more until we knew what my levels were doing Friday so home I went for the next 2 days.

More waiting…

It was meant to just be a blood draw Friday so I went alone again. Big mistake. When I arrived the nurse requested I stayed for the 2 hour wait as our fertility doctor was back in the office and had looked over my notes. He had decided the pregnancy was a PUL and not viable so we would need to decide a course of action to terminate the pregnancy if my body wasn’t doing what it needed to be doing. He said that he couldn’t get rule out an ectopic but he couldn’t be sure so he would call it a PUL to be safe.

The nurse explained we had 2 options, we could wait for my body to miscarry or they will give me a chemotherapy drug called Methotrexate, which kills any fast growing cells in the body. However, he didn’t want to put a plan in place without seeing what my results were from the blood test and seeing me to discuss all our options.

More blood tests
More blood work.

All I knew was if they were sure it wasn’t a viable pregnancy and I wouldn’t get to keep my baby I wanted to just get it over with. I felt like utter rubbish with the sickness, exhaustion, sore boobs and bloating which I didn’t mind when I knew it was for something. Feeling like rubbish reminded me that my body was growing a baby, our next child, Baby bears little sibling but once they said we couldn’t continue with the pregnancy I didn’t want to feel like it anymore. It wasn’t worth it anymore and had just become torture.

My results come back and they had gone up again to 514 which was a 55% increase. My doctor explained that for a viable pregnancy they look for at least a 63% increase so because my rise so so close to that he wanted to wait until the following Wednesday to re-scan me and recheck my BHCG. He explained how he was 97% sure it was a non-viable pregnancy but wanted to be 100% sure before we took the next step as it would have to be the injection. I’m not going to lie this broke my heart even more, as i would now have to go 5 days carrying my baby knowing that our days were numbered and we would have to say goodbye when Wednesday come.

If only I knew what I know now. I honestly thought it couldn’t get any worse for us. How could it we was counting down our days left with our baby because it was a PUL pregnancy. Seriously how was this happening to us again? It was only going to get worse.